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I Can Live with That.....................
She slept in the Guest room. He never noticed. That night the kids were having pizza and Jeff was in his usual charming mood complaining about the utility bills and when was she going to get another job. They can’t afford for her to be at home all day doing nothing.
Much of the next day was business as usual with the exception of now she was looking for a job and she felt like death. Her mother came by saw her and took the kids for the weekend. Jeff was gone on a trip, so now she was alone and crazy. Insanity won, alone a companion.
She began her green mile, and had covered most of the states by the time she'd found an old pack of cigarettes left behind after their last 4th of July barbeque. She smoked and drank as insanity took over until she felt possessed. She knew she was losing her mind but couldn’t stop it. “I’m in my closet Ruby” your Dolly says “out loud out loud out loud”. "Her eyes open like a guppy in a casket", who was saying all this she thought. “Out loud, I let shit slide and I didn’t see what I see now”. Hot she thinks spinning around with compass lost. She was hot, too hot, skin hot, head hot, breath hot, burning. She knew she couldn’t keep the baby but she didn’t want to lose it she knew her friend was with her husband and she could do nothing about it and she threw up. Something was wrong with her something was wrong with the baby it didn’t feel right. Her body was at war with it. It was at war with her. She cried she howled she roared. It was not hers to keep. It was Valentines Day and she was on the floor in a ball rolling she grabs her phone and dials…"It's Ebbie"
She calls or screams...... it's all semantics, "Sara are you fucking him"? Click. I stink. “Think Out loud” she says as she dials again. Saliva the size of marbles begins erupting from her mouth she wretches but nothing comes. "No time for this crazy metamorphosis shit" she thinks, it bubbles out; she has a question to ask . "I’m rabid" she giggles. Click. Calls again, “I asked you a question “ what now? ears wont stop ringing, she slams her hand repeatedly into her head. Stop she screams, cause she had to hear what she already knew. “bitch “ it moans from her head to her heart “ I asked you a question.” She knew. Just like she knew she was pregnant with a demon spawn and had to get rid of it. Deep Deep crack Beloved.
“You could have saved me”. She throws up two weeks in one second. "You could have saved me". Out loud out loud. “I will burn your house down with all your children in it” One word. God she was her sister, she knew her secrets. "I wrote a letter that love sent me. One knee one knee two knees. Someone stop that bitch from screaming I cant hear . move move move and she’ll go away. Eggs well done a piece of roll" was all she could think and threw up. "4:30 wake up call. who the fuck " thinks. She roars like a wounded beast it was a lifetime movie.” Fuck y'all” crawling on the floor thinking jawbones break. "Out loud out loud” she screams. "You came and took my shit left me grief move on move on. From me with love I’ll slice you neck my shero sister". She curls up in a ball and begins to falls asleep. "I forgot to grieve. You don’t know bitch cause I’m coming for your ass. Out loud. How did I get here"? She passes out on the cold floor.
Morning came, she called her doctor and left her house. It was older than they thought it was. It was a he. And he didn’t want to come out but she knew they would never survive. He and she. When it was over her doctor came by checked her out and she in his shoulders confirmed something hadn’t been right with him but she didn’t want to know. She already knew he wasn’t meant to be. Her Dr Mann couldn't really see her eyes like he normally did. So he looked away.
She couldn’t get home because she was alone and so did what she could do best at the moment which was to pass out in the waiting room in more of her vomit. Her mother came. Her father was picking up the kids. She wanted to be home before they were. They didn’t speak. She just hugged the passenger door all the way home. Her mother knew not now maybe later. She was in bed when the kids came home. They knew she was not feeling well and said hi and goodbye. they were worried but she said I’m fine just a bug. Jeff came in said hi to her and the kids and left.
Two days later she was up but not the same. Sara didn’t call, Jeff barely spoke. Then the night before she left when the kids and dogs were gone she waited up for him and let all the kitty cats out of the bag. He looked like Medea had hit him over the head with her cast iron pan.
He launched the attack. It was the outraged how dare you, you’ve really lost your mind. It was the spin of spins "you always see things that are not there, then the whine if you were the old Ebbie I first knew this wouldn’t have happened. She listens to me". it was the justification. "It severs you right for not keeping yourself up and you should have taken more precaution not to get pregnant and how dare you abort my child and not tell me!" "And what would you have said if I did"?she says quietly. "That’s not the point I still had a say". She stopped him mid stride....."Did I have a say in where your dick went! Did I have a say in Sara! Did I have a say in my marriage, in my life, in my body, do I have a say now! So what do you say now what do you say" !!? He left the room. He left the house and so she assumed he left her life with a parting "You’re crazy". Left alone Ebbie Rose turned in all directions of no wind and thought...."Motherfuckers make you crazy and always say you crazy. Yes I'm crazy. I'm bonafide. I got papers". She got up finished packing her bags. locked up and left.
And now he knew she knew and guess what? It was amazingly her fault. He blew like a fart backed up in an elevator that had nowhere to go but out. It was all her fault and no one would blame him because she was such a bitch and everyone knew she was a bitch. So now I'm Ebbie Rose super bitch.....I can live with that.
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