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Chapter 4...
In the Gloam.........
“You could have saved me”. She throws up two weeks in one second. You could have saved me. Out loud out loud. “I will burn your house down with all your children in it” One word. God she was my sister, she knew my secrets. I wrote a letter that love sent me. One knee one knee two knees. Someone stop that bitch from screaming I cant hear! move move move and she’ll go away.
Day four.
She was angry. He’s been calling all morning, all afternoon, all day. He was like a toxin in her blood. Demanding, always demanding where was she, who was she with, when was she coming home, what was she doing? You need to be a mother to your kids, who goes off and not take care of their responsibilities, you need to come back now, come home now, grow up get over yourself, be a grown up, you’re fifty nobody wants you, your useless, you’re lazy, you’re pathetic. Intoxication of a retox. Detoxification.
She was red. She had a mean case of the reds and had had enough of the whining and the brutish phone calls. Had enough of her whining and brutalization of herself. She had had enough and it was time to grow up, time to grow up into what she was supposed to be and forgot along the way. Mespabeachtime!!!! A day of joyful indulgence, a facial, a manicure, pedicure and a two-hour massage thank you Jeff scumbag honey. Screw him! The bill was overdue, she needed to get out of the red.
A determined 4 year old Ebbie Rose found her path to where she on this day was meant to be. Wrapped in Eucalyptus leaves. Bathed in lavender patchouli candles, kneaded into remission with kind hands and coconut oil.
Acceptance came in flesh melted as her spirit found screaming blissful release. She was untying knots in muscles atrophied. She was coming undone in bits and pieces in accepting her outcome. Molting. The holy outcome would be a whole. It was a shake up of magnitude proportions but she had bought into the game and was as much to blame as he. She'd agreed to buy the Brooklyn bridge and no one forced her to. She actually put "the for sale" sign up and bankrolled it herself.
She was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
In languid languor she spent her evening with a picnic basket of goodies on the beach watching movies. All the movies she loved but he would never watch. A little Bit of Heaven, The Hours, Fried Green Tomatoes, The Notebook and The Help and she laughed and cried and cried some more and laughed and somewhere in the tween she felt free. She was emerging from the cocooned shadows of the deranged. She was crylaughing so hard she started bawling. She cried for her kids, her parents, her friends, her life she lost. She cried for not knowing what to do and she cried for him. Because she knew without a doubt she was releasing him and Sara back to the universe. She cried for Ebbie Rose who dreamed she was on Sesame Street when she was five and never forgot. She cried till she was drip dry. Till the sun came up and she said hi Ebbie Rose I’ve been waiting for you. Forty days and forty nights the calm after the storm she was Buddha under the Bodhi tree.
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